An Open Letter to Everyone Affected by my Anxiety

I know, how selfish of me to say it's not my fault. But honestly, it's not. I don't wake up everyday and choose to have anxiety, or panic attacks. There isn't a certain time of day that it happens. Anxiety is something that is way out of my control, and if I could make it all go away, I would. I'm not talking about the anxiety you get before an exam or before your first kiss. I'm talking about the anxiety that makes you feel like you're drowning in the ocean, every time you try and get back up the waves pull you under again.

To everyone affected by my anxiety,

I'm sorry for everything my anxiety has caused me to do, and the things it has caused me not to do. I'm sorry for the fun trips/events that I've missed out on, and the people I've upset because of it. Anxiety isn't a light switch. Anxiety is like trying to pull yourself up a never-ending rope. No matter how hard you try, you just get more blisters on your hands and never make it to the top. My mind is constantly running. My thoughts are on repeat, and I can't control it. I try to seem like I'm calm and collected, but honestly, sometimes I'm not. My mind can drive me crazy.

Anxiety can have such an effect on you. Sometimes I feel absolutely crazy. I say things I don't mean, and sometimes I share way too much information. But it seems like it never stops. At times I feel like I can deal with it, other times I just want to scream because I feel so overwhelmed. My mind is constantly playing tricks on me. It makes me second guess everything. It makes me want to be re-assured. 

Anxiety isn't just an attack with the crying, shaking, numbness, or not being able to move. Anxiety is more. My mind is a battlefield at all times. 

I'm sorry for every scene I've caused. I'm sorry for the embarrassment you've ever felt because of my anxiety. I'm sorry for the times I can't drive because I feel like everyone on the road will run into me. I'm sorry for the calls when I get to my destination telling you everything that happened while I was driving, and how nervous I was to drive back home. I'm sorry for all the things I wanted to do, but I didn't. I'm sorry for grabbing the "oh sh**" handle when someone is driving a little over the speed limit.

Anxiety is consuming, but don't let it consume you. I have to constantly remind myself that anxiety is just a part of me, it doesn't define who I am as a person. I didn't choose to have anxiety, it chose me.

Promise me, no matter how hard it gets, DO NOT give up. You are stronger than the battles that find you